i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
