When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
