dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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