and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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