He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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