I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Houston, we have a squirter
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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