remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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