my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My pussy is not your playground.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
