i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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