Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
