I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You have to summon your inner elephant
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
