You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
