girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
