I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
