i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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