Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
