i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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