"it" just moved
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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