Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
