my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
