Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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