You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
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I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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