If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
