What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
