these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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