I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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