at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
