nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
