they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
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you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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