I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
