I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
