so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
