i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
