I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
