Your tits are I can't wait for
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
