he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
