just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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