You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
