You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
