i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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