There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Boobs are out for the taking
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
