I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
