Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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