"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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