just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
