a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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