Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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