You're my little dorito
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
