So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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