Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
