1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
