dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
