just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
