Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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