It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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