Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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