Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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