The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
