Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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