you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
