No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
